"Love is a verb."
Have you ever heard that phrase? It's a good one, because all too often partners forget that love must be cultivated continuously in order for it to endure. That means that no matter how wildly in love you and your partner started out, there is zero chance of maintaining your connection if you're not actively looking for ways to keep love alive. This is a scary proposition, and it should be.
Because if you kick back and think your relationship will take care of itself, you're in for a very painful surprise. At first, you and your partner will have less patience for each other. Little things will rub you the wrong way. And it will be harder for you to let go of these feelings. You'll start stewing in them, and then you'll look for ways to avoid connecting with your partner.
When you do connect, it's to snap at each other, criticize, and bicker. Meanwhile, you're forgetting to do and say all the loving things you once did. Before you know it, you've slipped into a very dangerous place where love and intimacy are overshadowed by negativity.
Intimacy Can Be Created And Destroyed
Love flourishes through intimacy. In order for intimacy to exist in a relationship, partners need to feel safe with each other. Safety is a natural consequence of certain behaviors. Specifically, there are certain behaviors that create love, and certain behaviors that destroy it. I call these negative behaviors intimacy enemies because they cause partners to feel unsafe in the relationship. The struggling partners I work with have often slipped into these destructive patterns without even realizing it. Had they been able to see them earlier, they could have stopped the damage.
Let's take a look at some of these behaviors now. The following examples illustrate what a partner senses when each of these behaviors happen. Either partner may be the first to notice them, so I've alternated between male and female genders.
Intimacy Enemy #1: Disconnection
Remember that man who couldn't get enough of you? He dropped everything when you needed him and turned his attention to you immediately. There was never anything he needed to do that took precedence over your desires, no matter how small. Now he's often preoccupied with matters that clearly come before the relationship. He tells you that he still loves you, but he's just not at all available the way he used to be. You can still get his attention, but it takes work, justification, and presenting your needs at just the right time.
He tells you that he feels terrible when he forgets an important date, and you want to be supportive. Yet, those times you don't feel central to his life anymore seem to be increasing. You don't want to seem needy, but you're feeling more and more neglected and sometimes ignored completely.
Intimacy Enemy #2: Dissing
There was an amazing, compassionate woman you fell in love with who now seems to be inhabited by someone you can't please anymore. You try to talk to her about things that you're upset about, and she responds with telling you that you're being too reactive or preaches about what you could have done differently. When you try to get her to be present, to care, and to listen, she flips it and tells you that you're in the wrong by wanting what you want. She finds fault where she used to give support and challenges your responses by telling you that you're being oversensitive. When you ask for something you need, she tells you that you're in arrears because you're not giving her what she needs. When you ask her what's wrong, she says it's nothing and you're being overly concerned. When she wants you, she can be very seductive and engaging, but it's less and less often and you definitely do not like the direction this is taking.
Intimacy Enemy #3: Domination
He was so exciting when you first connected - a take-charge guy who could handle anything that came his way. He was protective of you and so confident. Yes, he probably didn't take any prisoners when he was challenged, but you saw that as a plus. No one could defeat him or get in his way, and he did it all with a charming edge. If ever a woman wanted a knight in shining armor, it was him. Until he made you his opponent. If you dare to express a difference of opinion or there's any type of conflict in your relationship, there's only one good guy, and it isn't likely to be you.
Things are great when you're on the same team, but as an enemy, he's merciless.
Intimacy Enemy #4: Diminishing Nostalgia
When times were a little hard in your past, she would always remind you how important it was to hold on to the things you loved about each other and the great memories from the past. She would make you focus on the delicious moment when you first chose each other, and share those feelings as if they were happening in the moment. Now she's only focused on what's missing and why the future isn't brighter. No matter what you do to lighten the moment, or to bring back nostalgia, she is all about practical and how to just fix what's wrong and get on with it. You often find yourself alone in your sweet memories and unable to get her to experience them with you anymore. You still love each other enough, but wonder how you'll keep regenerating when things don't go as planned if you can't hold on to what was once sacred.
Dr. Randi Gunther